Balance and love

An article on feminism that appeared on MuslimMatters by Hebah Ahmed was a very interesting read. In response, my comment was as follows:

Pls click here for the article before proceeding to my response.

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Assalamualaikum,

A thought provoking article indeed. I went through a similar inner turmoil for years, wondering why our mothers used to do so much, until I got married. We’ve always been told about women’s rights in islam, that we don’t need to do much except look after the husband, the children and the house. As women, we had minimal responsibility and more benefits, provided we fulfill the minimum requirement of being a good companion to our husbands.

But when it came to reality, I saw two extremes. One set of women grew up the traditional way, where it was simply expected of them to do everything around the house. In some cultures, it was unquestionable to expect the men to help around the house. The other set of women were growing up assuming that the 1st set was completely off-track and when they do get married, they would assert the fact that they din’t need to do much. Sadly, while our parents’ marriages did last in spite of the cultural perception of do-it-all women, the others din’t. I am not supporting either of them. Although a minority, this generation of women would not cook, clean, change diapers or make any effort to honour and serve the parents on both sides. I’ve seen the way some husbands go all out to provide servants, (who get kicked out quickly), himself cleans cooks feeds bathes children and goes out to work only to return home to a truckload of complains and sour faces. Neither the wife is happy, nor is the husband.

The challenge resides in balance and being realistic.

Alhamdulillah, there is another thought process amongst our sisters that will not only ensure a happy marriage but also reap up rewards in the akhirah.

What I have come to realise is that islam does have minimum expectations from us, the least is to be a good companion. However, we need to understand this. When your husband returns home and you serve him a cold refreshing drink, what do you get? When you prepare a meal for him, what do you get? When you make do with whatever servant is available, or if not available, you do the chores yourself, what do you get? Or you divide the chores and help your husband do his chores. Or if he doesn’t do his share sometimes, you let it go and still be loving to him. What do you get? You spend a few days serving his family and taking care of their needs. What do you get? Girls, all this is Sadaqah!!! If you’re doing it for the sake of Allah, even if you don’t have to…..you get rewards. That’s what you’ll get. Whole lot of rewards, Inshallah. Our mothers will be blessed for all that they did. Inshallah.

Remember that Prophet Muhammed SAW said, “There is a (compulsory) sadaqah (charity) to be given for every joint of the human body (as a sign of gratitude to Allah everyday the sun rises. To judge justly between two persons is regarded as sadaqah; and to help a man concerning his riding animal, by helping him to mount it or by lifting his luggage on to it, is also regarded as sadaqah; and (saying) a good word is also sadaqah; and every step taken on one’s way to offer the compulsory prayer (in the mosque) is also sadaqah; and to remove a harmful thing from the way is also sadaqah.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

None of us can ever be sure that we will be accepted by Allah SWT. When we are so willing to go the extra mile to study and get good marks and that degree, or to lose weight, when we’re ready to do that extra bit to get something in duniya….what’s the big deal in doing extra for your akhirah?? Look at it as an opportunity to reap sawaab and an opportunity to win the ticket to Jannah. And be grateful to your husbands for whatever help they give you in your household work. If he’s doing a wee bit more than his dad ever did for his mom, be grateful. It’s a slow process, a jihad to change the perceptions of people towards women. We can teach our sons to appreciate all that women do for their households for the sake of Allah. Inspire them to be like our beloved Muhammed (Peace be upon him), Inshallah.

So first things first, we need to change our outlook on life and be realistic. Trying to make our men be more like our Prophet SAW is a gradual process spanning many generations to come. Our Prophet SAW advised the women to be grateful to their husbands. So while our muslim brothers are overcoming their struggle with culture vs islam and doing more that their fathers ever did, appreciate it. In the meantime, we need to deal with cultural perceptions of women by teaching our children by example and, utilise every opportunity to gain rewards today.

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Jazak Allahu Khair for your very insightful comments. I agree with everything you have said. Allah tests each person with their own conflicts and for some women, it is in their husbands. The key is to focus on the positives and use wisdom in changing the negatives.

For both men and women, there are some things that simply cannot be changed in a spouse. The test then becomes to submit to the relationship by accepting your spouse as they are without trying to change them or resent them. Sometimes this approach leads to the desired change and other times, the mere peace that is felt by no longer struggling against your spouses’ characteristics makes the marriage better.

The real lesson in this article is to look forward and see how we can raise a generation of sunnah followers who work to ease the lives of their spouses Insha Allah.

I ask Allah to give peace and ease to all my Muslim brothers and sisters.